One year ago

Results of the July 2010 Massachusetts Bar exam were received today. That means its been a year since I found out that I failed my first attempt at the MA Bar...by two points. It was a horrible day. I was in Cleveland for my job, alone in a cold, grey, unfamiliar city, and got the call from my wonderful roommate Jeremiah that the envelope I had been eagerly anticipating had arrived. Then, as I stood on the sidewalk, I forced him to read it to me out loud. There was a pause and he said "You didn't pass." For a moment I thought he might be joking, but I knew he was too nice a guy to pull that sort of thing. He read me the rest of the letter, which informed me that I had fallen 2 points short of the required 270 points needed to pass.

The next few weeks were pretty rough. The next day, for instance, I had to go stand with a bunch of other recent law school grads and tell prospective students about law school (I was a recruiter for my awesome law school). I worried one of them would ask me the common question "What's your schools Bar passage rate?" and I would lunge over the table and strangle them (my friend Adam suggested that my answer be, "One less than it should have been.") Many of the other recruiters had just found out that they had passed and were thrilled. The friend I studied for the Bar with had passed. Most of my friends had passed. People tried to hide from me their good news or politely ignore the topic, which only made it worse. Being me, I immediately updated my Facebook profile to show I had failed - I'd rather put it out there than think people were wondering behind my back, gossiping whether it was true that I had failed. I wrote this post on my blog about how to deal with a friend who is taking, or has failed, the Bar.

And then I got back to work. If there is one thing that law school taught me, it's that spending time moping or feeling sorry for yourself is generally unproductive (not that I think you should stifle your emotions but - there's a time limit on most short-term moping issues). Somewhat luckily (for me, not so much for her), one of my good friends had also failed the MA Bar. So we began studying together. It was horrible, of course - the whole process of studying for the Bar is horrible. But having someone who was going through the same thing as me was incredibly helpful. (Also helpful was the fact she laughed at my jokes sometimes, had a really soft kitty who "studied" with us, and that we were signed up for a dance class where we learned the entire "Single Ladies" dance.) My boss allowed me to work a modified schedule, and having something to do other than study was oddly helpful. My boyfriend at the time was really patient and, despite having a totally different schedule than me, didn't complain about my lack of free time and occasional breakdowns.

Studying to take the Bar the second time was easier in some ways (I knew the drill, I knew what the big day would be like), and harder in other ways (the loss of confidence (as if law school hadn't already stolen it all), the fear of failure). But this is what I can say: one of the proudest moments of my life (maybe THE proudest) was when I found out that I had passed the MA Bar. Of course I would've loved the pass the first time - duh. But I learned so much about myself taking the Bar a second time - how to be devastated and insecure, but keep working. How to have joy for others in the midst of my own pain. How to stay humble, and how to have an identity when you fail at something that has come to define you. And the pay-off was so huge. When I found out I had passed, I cried and laughed with joy (and relief). Passing the second time around, I felt not only proud of my victory over the test, but so incredibly, indescribably proud that I hadn't let one obstacle stop me. I felt so proud that I had pushed ahead, that I had done the work that needed to be done, that I had accepted this humiliating and humbling event and still found a way to believe in myself.

Now that I'm a practicing attorney, and the Bar is no longer part of my day to day life, it's easy to forget this feeling. Frustratingly enough, as easy as it is to forget the horror of Bar study (thank god), it seems like it's even easier to forget the triumph of passing the Bar. And that's why, even though I don't write about much personal stuff here, I'm forcing myself to write this. To anyone who has failed the Bar: feel free to contact me. I will listen. To anyone who has passed the Bar: enjoy your victory and don't forget your humility and compassion. To those who supported me through both Bars: thank you, thank you, thank you. To me, law student me, Bar studying me, lawyer me: always remember that you were strong enough to make it through law school, strong enough to study for and take the MA Bar twice, and, most importantly, remember that you were so, so, so very proud of yourself. You are a "fantastic wonder."